the emotional journey of meanshell

sometimes, quantifying my emotion makes me feel better. in case you didn't realize, i'm a nerd. (you won't believe how long it took me to format and convert that dumb chart into a picture)the only thing i ever wanted from my sis pauline was for her to sew me a hoodie with my nickname "meanshell" on it. and i got it. and i loved it. it was the best hoodie and it reminded me of my sister.last november, "o," a teenage neighbor of mine was hanging out with me as we were making banana trunk floats for loy gratong and she asked me if she could borrow a long-sleeve or sweatshirt while she works in ac. of course! no problem! it being thailand, i only have a couple long-sleevers and i lent her my meanshell hoodie gladly as well as another shirt.

well, i didn't see "o" for a while; maybe once every 3 weeks or so. december and cold season roll around and i miss meanshell. i ask her sister where "o" is and she can't tell me. i see "o" near christmas time and she says meanshell isn't with her. then her sister starts avoiding me. i worry.

i see "o" in january and she lies to me, saying she gave it back to lexie to give to me. i really worry. hoodies are popular and expensive here; might she have sold it? i'm angry. i jump to judge: is that how she sees me? is that how she respects my friendship? is she that kind of person? do my neighbors not respect me, either?

i see "o" again in february and ask her to look for it for me. it has meaning. please look for it. she blows me off saying, "ok, ok, ok" as she's walking away. i start "coming to terms" with meanshell. i'm still angry. i am trying to forgive her. people tell me that this is a "lesson" though i'm not sure what i was supposed to have learned. i am trying to not blame myself for lending her meanshell.

february 25. day of glory.
i see "o" again and she refuses to look at me as i follow her and ask her if i can talk to her. she calls her sister over and still acts like i'm not there. her sister goes in the house and comes back out with meanshell. it's faded several shades and looking rattier but i don't care. i've never been happier to see it. i'd already come to terms. i'd already forgiven her. i'd already planned out what to say to "o.

so, i did learn my lesson: i have no capacity to know neither what will happen nor about who someone is. stop pretending i do.
phil in his "et eat bt" hoodie and me in my new meanshell @ xmas 06.

and blather breaks the silence

i've been a little MIA with the blog, partially because of busyness and partially because i think i've become a more boring person; i have nothing interesting to say and i dread becoming another blathering blogger (i fear i've already crossed that line). i apologize in advance for this post; this is just show&tell of the past 2 months.

hosting my mom here and seeing her in a different context opened my eyes to what an amazing person she is. for the first time, i admire her. and check out this giant leaf. she's kind, sincere, open, loves giving health advice (but if you're her daughter: health mandates), avoids the sun like the plague, and neighbors didn't believe she was my mom (how could such a skinny mom have such a fat child? hehe). my mom loves swimming, which she attributes to being an aquarius, but really really hates the sun. here's her swimming at the beach with a hat, long-sleeved shirt and long pants over a bathing suit and staying in the tiny shade triangle of the boat. she swam there for like 45 min. every friendship i have here is so new and i forgot how awesome it is to have a long history and standing of love. my good, good friend, elizabeth came through with her mom and we toured angkor wat in cambodia together for a few days. can i just say, sooooo many tourists and everyone is a self-proclaimed semi-pro photographer. we got templed out pretty easily so we just took pictures of ourselves jumping off stuff. having a chinese immigrant mom is the best. it's like always having comic relief around (though when it's your own mom, it can be emotionally charged comic relief). eriz's mom had to show off the free victoria's secret underwear she got. they only had thongs available. the clerk had to convince her to get it for her daughter rather than herself. makha bucha day. honestly, i still don't know what this holiday is, but since the kids had the day off and we had a bunch of gifts to give out from samaritan's purse, we brought kids over to the lake and played. i just liked this pic.i just discovered one of my favorite places in thailand just 2 hrs outside of bangkok: ampawa floating market. they're known for their droves of fireflies. good & cheap food, cute, and thai thai. hurry and make it there before it gets overrun by foreigners and stops quaint and peaceful. next time i go, i'm going to stay at one of their "homestays" on the river.oh, and homeland security update: yellow. my dad is doing much better. thanks to all who asked and for all you who've been praying.