the emotional journey of meanshell

sometimes, quantifying my emotion makes me feel better. in case you didn't realize, i'm a nerd. (you won't believe how long it took me to format and convert that dumb chart into a picture)the only thing i ever wanted from my sis pauline was for her to sew me a hoodie with my nickname "meanshell" on it. and i got it. and i loved it. it was the best hoodie and it reminded me of my sister.last november, "o," a teenage neighbor of mine was hanging out with me as we were making banana trunk floats for loy gratong and she asked me if she could borrow a long-sleeve or sweatshirt while she works in ac. of course! no problem! it being thailand, i only have a couple long-sleevers and i lent her my meanshell hoodie gladly as well as another shirt.

well, i didn't see "o" for a while; maybe once every 3 weeks or so. december and cold season roll around and i miss meanshell. i ask her sister where "o" is and she can't tell me. i see "o" near christmas time and she says meanshell isn't with her. then her sister starts avoiding me. i worry.

i see "o" in january and she lies to me, saying she gave it back to lexie to give to me. i really worry. hoodies are popular and expensive here; might she have sold it? i'm angry. i jump to judge: is that how she sees me? is that how she respects my friendship? is she that kind of person? do my neighbors not respect me, either?

i see "o" again in february and ask her to look for it for me. it has meaning. please look for it. she blows me off saying, "ok, ok, ok" as she's walking away. i start "coming to terms" with meanshell. i'm still angry. i am trying to forgive her. people tell me that this is a "lesson" though i'm not sure what i was supposed to have learned. i am trying to not blame myself for lending her meanshell.

february 25. day of glory.
i see "o" again and she refuses to look at me as i follow her and ask her if i can talk to her. she calls her sister over and still acts like i'm not there. her sister goes in the house and comes back out with meanshell. it's faded several shades and looking rattier but i don't care. i've never been happier to see it. i'd already come to terms. i'd already forgiven her. i'd already planned out what to say to "o.

so, i did learn my lesson: i have no capacity to know neither what will happen nor about who someone is. stop pretending i do.
phil in his "et eat bt" hoodie and me in my new meanshell @ xmas 06.